i,first of all, would like to genuinely thank the amazing people in our lives for being so concerned & praying so hard over us, our family & especially bebe..we are currently involved in an excellent program called hand in hand & we think they are simply wonderful..b is doing physical therapy every other week & will start on occupational therapy next month..she has made great progress every single day..she is so tough..i am remarkably proud of her..and i am so appreciative of such a great program like hand in hand..in regards to her sweet and special heart, i had not heard anything in almost a month (so much for calling me back in a week, huh?)..i knew i had been avoiding it because i have a tendency to hide from things i don't want to face..so, i hid......for a month..there was a moment that God gave me that was special and really moved me..i was in her dark room rocking her at the end of the day..i was looking at this amazingly beautiful gift and was thanking God for her..i was telling her how amazing she was & why (yah, we do this every night--laughs)..but then something in my heart was stirred..i thought about how i hadn't heard back from the doctors after the heart cath procedure and how i continue to slough it off to "no news is good news"..we were being asked so much on how she was & if we had heard anything..our family was being asked, our friends were being asked..we are still blown away by how many people out there care for her & for us..it is so humbling..and i kept thinking how i wish i had something to tell them, but then again, i didn't want to know the answer..it was then that i realized i hadn't let her go at all..i thought i had given it to God, but i could feel Him stirring my spirit..my heart felt "do you really TRUST God?" and my reply was "i have so much faith that You can do this God, You can heal her."..and the question remained "but do you TRUST God to do it?"..hmm, it occured to me that faith & trust are NOT the same..my pastor tells a great story about a man who would walk a tight rope across niagra falls..people would stand amazed that he could do this & his act was amazing..he had done it so many times, it was almost second nature, and with that his act became almost normal..so one day he asked if the crowd thought he could carry a person on his back across & back..the crowd (knowing & seeing it was second nature to him) cheered that he absolutely could & were so excited about it..then the man asked who would volunteer to be that person on his back..the crowd wasn't so loud that time..see, the had faith that he could do it, but didn't trust him to actually be that person..ummmm, realized that was me..so in that still quiet time with my daughter, i realized that to truly give her up to Him meant even if HIS plan was to take her home..it was extremely emotional..i realized i had to truly give her, this situation & all the other situations concerning her to Him..God sweetly gave me a Peace that He truly loves her more than i could ever begin to..and i know that He will do what is best for her and through her..i kept thinking of abraham..and how i wish so desperately i could have his faith & his trust like he had with issac..i mean, if you haven't read that story----ohh, it's good..all he knew is that God told him to do something & he trusted that God knew what he was talking about..man, talk about faith & TALK about trust..so, i had my own personal realization about her & how God has an amazing plan for her..its not my plan..its not chad's plan..its His plan..and it outdoes ours by leaps & bounds (to say the least)..so, it was then i had to face the fact that i needed to stop living in fear & face the situation..i called and left a meesage for someone to call me back on a monday..i asked if we could make a consultation with her cardiologist to discuss what was found & what the recommendation was..i wanted to discuss our options, the risks of everything & what he thought..well, the phone didn't ring from uab until friday..when i answered i thought it would be the doctor or an assistant..bless this lady for calling, she says "hi, i'm calling to set up b's surgery..we have openings in june & july"..i can only explain that it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach..it took the breath out of me..i could hear that voice in my head say "did you mean it? did you mean it when you said God could heal her miraculously or though surgery?"..i had to push back emotions, because it wasn't the time for that at the moment..i tried to focus on just talking to her & would process it all later..i calmly explained to her that we had not even talked to a doctor, no one has even told us anything at this point & we were not prepared to set up surgery..bless her because the next thing she said was "okay, did june or july work better for you"..i literally had to interupt her to tell her i was sorry but we were not setting up surgery today..she sort of seemed stunned, but then i think she started listening to me after that..thankfully she left a message for bebe's cardiologist to call me back (she was calling on behalf of the cardiology surgeons, not the cardiologist)..so when i spoke to her doctor on monday, he told me to explain where we were & what were our thoughts..i told him i felt bebe was fairly asymptomatic..i felt she was doing really well..she had beautiful color, no grey or blue tint..she eats well..she has good stamina..she is growing well (because you must understand it isn't fair to compare her to any other baby her age, she was teenie tiny..but she has followed the growth curve exactly like any other baby)..she doesn't have respiratory issues..she hasn't been put on any heart meds or even a diuretic..i told him i was confused that her body was coping so well at this point..i explained that chad didn't have a spiritual peace (i even mentioned i didn't know how he felt about that, but we would need a peace about it before moving forward)..i explained i could not differentiate between my spirit & emotions, so i didn't have a spiritual opinion at this point..i did tell him i couldn't justify it medically, though..and to my surprise, he agreed with me..he said we wouldn't be "losing out on anything" by just waiting & watching her for a while longer..i specifically asked if there were any increased risks, recovery issues or complications associated with waiting..he said no, that the bigger she is, the stronger she is..we, of course, discussed how it is easier for a 7 month old to rest quietly in bed than it is a 3 year old..and that we may cross over into a situation where she may have memories of it..he said her having memories of being in the hospital is the least of his concern though (chad said we'd just get her into counseling or call dr phil *laughs*)..he said he wanted me to know that honestly he didn't feel it was going to close on its own & that he still feels that one day we will be making the surgery decision..he also says that medicine is not an exact science & that he is surprised sometimes..he sweetly said that he would love for b to be one of his surprises..he also pretty much said she doesn't make sense "on paper"..hahahaha, i love that! i love that they don't reaaaally understand why she is doing so well..hmm, i know why----one word----GOD! it is so encouraging to know that He has this whole thing under control..and i still hear that voice "did you mean it? did you mean He could heal her either way?"..and today, i can say, "yah, His will, His time, His method, HIS GLORY no matter what!!!!! oh, He's doing something------something BIG---------NOTHING was or is hidding from God..and i am confident in His best interest..and i'm continuing to work on the "trust" part of things..my little girl is a lil trooper & my lil fighter..she's pretty strong..probably stronger than me..but don't tell her i told you. :)
ps----thanks again, don't EVER think your prayers don't matter or that they aren't felt..because they are & we couldn't do this without y'all! :)
our lil sweetpea in her Easter outfit! :)
why yes.....yes i AM this flippin adorable!!!!!!!!
she reaaaaaally gives looks like her mommy!
...5 more minutes...just 5 more minutes...pleaaaase!
i needed these because my smile lights up the room!
